Divorce is one of the most painful excisions you can go through, and unlike surgery, there are no painkillers to get you through it.
Your injuries may be deep, and divorce doesn’t just cut into your physical health. It can scar your emotions, drain your mental energy and wellbeing, shred your finances and your family life, and upend the future you thought you had in the bag.
Without a doubt, after a divorce you’re going to need to tend to your wounds and give yourself a lot of TLC, and it may be months before you finally start to feel like yourself again.
You may have negative feelings to process, finances to figure out, new routines and rituals to establish, and you may even have a little bit of work to do on your daily eating and exercise habits.
On top of that, you may also have to learn to cope with the pain of only seeing your children part time.
It’s daunting to think about, and you’re barely keeping your head above water as it is. But close your eyes, lift your face to the sky, and breathe.
You’re going to make it, and you’re going to heal. I promise. I’ve been there!!
What You Take With You
Studies on divorce and healing offer a variety of statistics on how long it takes to process and move on. The most common number is about 18 months, but divorces are highly unique situations that aren’t necessarily served well by averages.
In Colorado, for instance, an uncontested divorce can be filed online in under 15 minutes, will set you back only a few hundred dollars in fees, and can be finalized in as little as 90 days. If it was a mutual breakup, you might even be more relieved than hurt.
On the other hand, if you want to hear about the worst case scenario, allow me to introduce myself: I’m Paulette Rigo, and my divorce was a high conflict 8.5-year nightmare with a 12-day trial and a 4-year appeal that completely ripped apart my life.
There are aspects of that experience that have scarred over and stopped throbbing, but I’m going to carry them with me for the rest of my life. But even I healed.
Today, I’m the CEO of my own company. I’m happy, I’m healthy, and I’ve found the spectacular partner I was seeking my whole life.
All of us can heal from a divorce. We just need to give ourselves permission to begin.
So let’s start.
Permission: Granted!
Everybody’s different, but some things apply to any divorce.
Your brain is going to be off kilter, and your emotions will be raw. You’re going to have all the pressures of a new living situation, and probably a lot of new tasks to manage since you’re on your own again.
Also, since your partner’s gone, your normal support system is going to be fundamentally different. Relationships with friends and family may also have shifted, so you’re going to have to get the lay of the land again.
And, of course, there’s all the personal and emotional baggage you’re carrying whether you know it or not. (we all have it…it’s Okay)
You’ve got to start somewhere, and any of these options is a great place to start putting the pieces back together.
Give Yourself Time
You’re not going to get a baseline reading of where you are until the dust has had time to settle. Your marriage is over—take a few weeks and just sit with it to see where you really are.
No judgment: just assess and acknowledge how you feel and how you’re reacting to things.
What triggers you? What boundaries do you need to create? What new routines can you implement that will help you move past your old stuck story?
Oh, and it goes without saying that you shouldn’t be making any major decisions like hooking up with a new partner or moving to Maui. You don’t need a fresh regret before you manage the ones you’ve already got!
Talk to a Pro
Face it. You’re a divorce amateur, and that means that you’re going to have to process everything on the fly with no barometer for what’s normal. But you know what? A Divorce Recovery Coach has seen it all, and they can give you perspective and validation you didn’t even know was possible to get.
If you’re struggling, reach out! I’m here with my team of experts to help people just like you heal after a messy divorce.
Focus on You
Most of us are terrible at this even without a divorce, but some of the best self-care is making time for the simple things you love. Spend a few more minutes petting your cat, and if you like gardening, get out there and start filling your backyard with new life. (I did!!)
Nothing’s an instant fix, but the whole point of a divorce is removing what broke your old life down and replacing it with things that build your new one up. The more meaningful moments you have in your heart the less space there will be for pain.
Consider a Retreat
A healing wellness retreat can do wonders for your restart, and you know what? You deserve it. Even if you’re only unplugging for a few days, time spent with other people experiencing what you are can give you a chance to clear out the noise, slow down the merry-go-round, and start forming new, positive, empathetic connections with others.
You never know what’s going to happen when you accept the invitation to have a new experience, and a healing wellness retreat could change your life after divorce in one single week.
You Don’t Have to Heal Alone
I had to divorce the hard way, and I started Better Divorce Academy because a divorce doesn’t have to leave everyone crippled for life. You can divorce with dignity, and the fewer mistakes you make along the way the sooner the healing can begin. I have the experience to help you part ways with the best possible outlook for the future, with the courage to take action and gain control of your life.
You deserve to be whole again. And I’m right there with you.
